The teenager must separate from his parents.
The alternation of provocative assertions of independence and infantile pleas for help often marks the process of leading your teen to independence from you.
Thinking of your youngster, painting his portrait in a way, you will find that he is rather:
- rebellious: his behaviors and attitudes illustrate his irresistible desire to distance himself from you;
- dependent: their behaviors and attitudes illustrate their fears of moving away from you and gaining their independence;
- manipulative: his behaviors and attitudes illustrate his ambivalence, that is to say his dependence at the same time as his autonomy from you;
- autonomous: his behaviors and attitudes illustrate his capacity to perceive himself as different from you while wishing to live a positive relationship with you.
With adolescence, we begin to gradually abandon childhood dependency by calling into question the influences of parents and family circle.
Some parents are very concerned that their teenager will distance themselves, show off their personal style, and prefer their friends to their family.
- What about you?
- Are you worried, are you afraid that your teen will have negative experiences?
- Rather, do you trust him to make the right choices?
- Do you have a strong belief that he knows how to take good care of himself?
Discover your attitudes towards your young person's assertion
By asking yourself the following questions:
- I tend to want to control his comings and goings?
- I constantly make sure that he takes his responsibilities (at school and at home)?
- I frequently repeat the rules, instructions and family practices to him?
- I let him take his responsibilities in his own way?
- I want him to openly express his views, differences and tastes?
- I exercise control over his associates and the places he hang out?
- do I check his behavior frequently at school?
- Am I having trouble letting my teen do their hair and dress as they please?
- I tend to impose my solutions when we are in conflict with each other?
- I worry when I don't know where he is or what he is doing?
- I have confidence in his ability to organize his life in a harmonious way?
- I sometimes say to him: "Choose and decide for yourself, are you capable of it?" "
- I go to school immediately when my teen has personal difficulties or conflicts?
- I am more authoritarian towards him than the majority of other parents?
- I am more understanding towards him than the majority of other parents?
- I buy peace because I don't want to experience painful conflicts?
- I let him do his will, because I feel that I have finished playing my role as a parent?
- Am I having trouble letting my teenager organize their room the way they want?
- I am unable to tolerate being one-on-one with a person of the other sex?
- I encourage him to participate and share the household chores?
- I see myself as a parent who promotes submission, outward conformity or assertiveness?
To communicate is to get the message across. The message must not only be received, but also understood.
Communication involves two basic attitudes: knowing how to listen attentively and knowing how to speak openly.
Sometimes the divide between parents and teenagers is just a language barrier that everyday communication can break down.
The teenager is generally attracted to people who support him, who have empathy, and who are able to put themselves in his shoes.
He identifies with those he admires and respects, and he imitates them. Identification takes place when the teenager feels that there is a similarity between him and the person being admired.
He then wants to identify with that person, especially since he believes himself capable of being like him.
The adolescent must be autonomous
Being autonomous means:
• sever ties of dependency;
• take the time to ask yourself what is important to you;
• be able to articulate and support their opinion (say yes or say no, according to their own inner vision);
• openly express what you feel (thoughts, emotions, needs, choices, decisions, etc.);
• assert your limits (gain respect, refuse rudeness, hurtful words, etc.);
• reveal what I want while taking into consideration what the other wants, feels or thinks;
• make personal choices.
Ask yourself if you are an independent adult by asking yourself the following questions:
• do I have a positive and constructive view of my life?
• do I have good self-esteem?
• am I able to determine myself?
• Can I manage my stress, anxiety and anxieties?
• I choose the appropriate means to create a harmonious existence?
• can I develop concrete and realistic plans for the future?
• do I manage to taste the joys of the present moment?
• I take care of my physical health?
• am I capable of innovation and creativity (in my relationships and in my work)?
• I am successful in achieving the objectives and goals I set for myself?
• I am capable of taking initiatives (relational, family and professional)?
A warm, organized and open family environment helps the adolescent achieve the status of an independent, balanced and satisfied adult.
Autonomy is a skill that is learned through daily practice.
Building your autonomy means:
• recognize their strengths, skills and abilities
personal, and believe in them;
• discover, name and respond appropriately to their needs;
• develop and appreciate their skills in finding creative solutions to their personal problems;
• make decisions for personal well-being and not just to please others;
• learn to love and esteem yourself;
• allow yourself the right to refuse requests and not meet the expectations, wants and wishes of others;
• recognize, name and accept their emotions;
• learn to trust each other in action and in relationships;
• gain respect and respect for others;
• feel pride in themselves; recognize their behaviors and accomplishments, and value them;
• allow yourself the right to be different and tolerate difference in others;
• be able to take decisions and take initiatives;
• be able to think, act and, ultimately, evaluate the results of one's actions.
Influence of parents on adolescent self-esteem
The results of numerous studies on adolescence, presented by national and foreign literature, show a notable decrease in the influence of parents and an increase in the influence of peers as a reference group on the self-esteem of children. teenagers.
A specific adolescent neoplasm is the ability to reflect on parental opinion and its subsequent detachment, to develop one's own position in relation to parental assessment.
The meaning of this disagreement is that the parental point of view only begins to be perceived as a possible point of view on “oneself”.
A specific adolescent neoplasm is the ability to reflect on parental opinion and its subsequent detachment, to develop one's own position in relation to parental assessment.
However, with all of this, it cannot be said that teens are alienated from their parents. When asked where they feel most protected, the response "in the family" occurs almost as often as the response "among friends". Drawing on the results of studies by Rosenberg, Coopersmith and Bachmann, aimed at establishing the relationship between the formation of self-concept and interaction within the family, Gekas investigated the degree of influence, control and parental support on adolescent self-esteem. .
As a result, the researcher concluded that these two factors, as a general expression of the parents' interest in the child, have a positive effect on their self-esteem. This hypothesis is fully confirmed by practice. (R. Berne).
Other studies have shown that family support and parental acceptance of a child and their aspirations most influence their overall self-esteem, while academic achievement and some teacher-related factors (e.g., acceptance cognitive-emotional of a teenager by a teacher) are only significant for self-assessment skills.
Research also notes that a warm and caring attitude of parents is the main condition for the formation and further strengthening of positive self-esteem in adolescents. The harsh and negative attitude of parents has the opposite effect: these children, as a rule, are focused on chess, they are afraid to take risks, avoid participating in competitions, in addition, they have traits of character such as aggressiveness and rudeness, as well as a high level of anxiety. In addition to the direct influence of the parents' assessment and their emotional attitude to the child, the style of communication in the family is of great importance in the formation of self-attitude.
Thus, two distinguished types of communication style, "symmetrical" and "asymmetric", have a different effect on the self-esteem of adolescents. The symmetrical style involves communication between family members based on partnerships. Such communication contributes to the formation in the child of a system of his own self-evaluation criteria, since the self-esteem of the adolescent is supported not only by the respectful attitude of the parents, but also by evaluation of the effectiveness of its activities. In the future, it is a factor contributing to the emancipation of the adolescent's self-esteem. Same asymmetrical style of communication within the family intended to limit the child's involvement in preparation and decision-making, which ultimately leads to the formation of an unfavorable self-image and Y.
Thus, considering the formation of identity and self-esteem following the assimilation of a certain life experience by a young person, we see that the influence of family and parental attitudes on the formation of Adolescent self-esteem is no less important. than in younger age groups. It should be noted that the formation of the adolescent's self-attitude is determined not so much by the actual parental assessment and attitude, but by how the adolescent subjectively reflects and experiences the parenting attitude and its place in the family, that is to say the expected evaluation.
References:
How do you motivate a teenager in school?
DUCLOS, Germain. L’estime de soi, un passeport pour la vie. Montréal: Éditions de l’Hôpital Sainte-Justine, 2000. 117 p.
Livres
ACKER, Vincent. Ados, comment les motiver: la méthode Gordon appliquée à la motivation scolaire. Alleur: Marabout, 2000. 279 p.
Duclos, Germain L’estime de soi des adolescents